I have had fantasies since puberty which happen to have featured sex – and always sex with males. Thus, I naively assumed that they were sex fantasies, and that I was heterosexual. But over time, I noticed certain things.
- The vast majority of the fantasies ended with me being pregnant
- I also, once in a while, have fantasies about going to sperm donor clinics, in spite of the fact that I do not have good feelings about medical equipment
- I also have fantasies about being pregnant which do not have sex
- The idea of myself having any kind of sex which cannot get me pregnant (using contraceptives, oral sex, etc.) is quite unappealing
Now, I have to make this very clear – I think everybody should have a good sex education, and I think contraceptives should be available to everyone. I have no problem with other people using contraceptives. On an intellectual level, I think using contraceptives is often a very good idea. On a gut, irrational level, using contraceptives feels pointless to me – why are people having sex if they are not trying to get a baby?
It should be clear by now that I don’t have much of a sex drive / libido / whatever the heck makes people want sex for the sake of sex. Instead, I have a pregnancy drive. While it seems obvious right now, it definitely was not obvious when I was a teenager.
So do I, in fact, want to get pregnant? According to my guts, the answer is a big fat YES. But there is this pesky little issue that after getting pregnant, I would (hopefully) have a child to rear. I do not want to raise a child at this point in my life. Another pesky little issue is that I would want my child to have a close social relationship with the father, which rules out anonymous sperm donation. Yet I have no interest in getting married or any other traditional parenting relationship, and I would not want to have more sex than necessary to get pregnant. And I’d like the father to be good at parenting. This would require constructing an alternative parenting relationship, going against a bunch of social conventions, with just the right type of person. I am nowhere close to having this type of relationship in place. Maybe I never will have this relationship in place. Thus, I am not trying to get pregnant right now.
I suspect there will be a number posts in the future about how an asexual with a pregnancy drive can arrange to get pregnant and have a child. I cannot exclude the possibility that I will write posts about how an asexual with a pregnancy drive can live without actually getting pregnant – but I have not given up on eventually becoming pregnant yet, and right now I hope that I will never write such a post.