Playing With Hair

Hair is a great way for people to bond.

Hair comes in many lengths, shapes, sizes, textures. One can spend a lot of time studying somebody else’s hair. And that is before you get started doing things to the hair – stroking it, brushing it, shampooing it, rinsing it, taking out knots, braiding, twissling, cutting … and so much more.

But most importantly, it’s a way to spend a lot of time focusing on one specific human being, both by physical and mental contact … and to have someone put that focus on you.

My hair is long and wavy, thin yet I have many hairs. This makes my hair high maintenance – it takes quite a bit of time to wash and keep well-brushed, and that’s just the minimum to keep it presentable. Furthermore, I shed a lot of hair, which means I often have to clean up hair in my home (otherwise it accumulates) and people can sometimes tell when I’ve been in a room just by the hair left behind.

However, I think that’s why my hair fascinates people. It needs a lot of work … so people can spend a like of time working on it. And because of its long, wavy nature, creative people can find many things to do with my hair. This is fortunate, because when it comes to hair-playing, to borrow a term from sex culture, I am a ‘bottom’.

When I was in elementary school, girls would ask me if they could play with my hair. And I almost always said yes. I loved having people play with my hair.

Later, in college, while I never had quite as many opportunities to have my hair played with as in elementary schools, I had some. And even when people didn’t play with my hair, I could often at least get someone in my family to brush my hair.

It’s been over a year since I’ve had somebody else interact with my hair. And I miss it. How am I supposed to go about finding somebody to play with my hair? If I were still in California, I would probably put an ad on Craigslist, but I’m not in California. I suppose, if I were desperate, I could go to a hair salon, but I don’t want to change my hair, I merely want people to play with it. And if it really was a high priority in my life, I would risk embarrassment and humiliation to find a hair-playing buddy.

I wish, however, that I could find a hair-playing buddy with a much lower risk of embarrassment and humiliation. I wish there were a local hair-playing community where people who love to play with hair could find people who love having their hair played with.

16 thoughts on “Playing With Hair

  1. This was a very interesting post for me to read. I’ve never thought about people playing with my hair in this way before. It was always just a thing that happened and I liked, but I’ve never given it much thought. But you’re right, if I think about it, I do miss it.
    Physical contact in general seems to be much easier to come by in elementary and high school, and once you’re in college it’s already much more difficult for people to touch each other. I think a lot of it is because any kind of physical contact between people of certain age is seen as sexual, and touching someone’s hair seems to be seen as even more so.

      • Have you tried to find people in a kink environment? I think it would be much easier to find someone at a play party or in a dungeon, because people are used to negotiating all sorts of scenes.

      • The short answer is no. I don’t know where I would find a kink environment around here. Okay, they have almost everything in Taipei but a) I don’t live in Taipei 2) even in Taipei, there would still be the cultural barrier. If I still lived in San Francisco, I would probably just go ahead and put an ad on craigslist. However, here in Taiwan, not only do I not know how to go about looking for this sort of thing, I am also afraid that I could unwittingly fall into some cultural taboo. I suspect, ultimately, the social costs would be too high – especially since social costs could spill into economic costs and, if things got extremely bad, threaten my residency status.

  2. Pingback: An Obstacle to Finding Close Companionship | The Notes Which Do Not Fit

    • Agreed.

      (Technically, they are already a thing, but I definitely support them becoming available in more geographical areas, having them happen more often, etc.)

      • There’s actually now an Asexuals of the Mid-Atlantic attempt to have a cuddle party of this nature in Central Virginia on Saturday June 2nd. I hope it’s successful for them.

  3. Pingback: An obstacle to finding close companionship | LGBTeen

  4. This was fascinating to read. I think an extension of this is acknowledging that touching someone’s hair is a very intimate thing. You can feel comfortable if someone is touching your hair without your permission. Someone pulling you hair, even unintentionally while brushing it or something, can hurt, which is much like sex actually – you can feel minor pain even during good sex if someone accidentally does something slightly wrong. But it can also be a very violent thing – so sort of similar to the “sexual” act which is rape – as pulling a large chunk of someone’s hair is controlling, and intentionally a violent, painful, and dangerous act, and you can even rip other people’s hair out of their heads. (My abusive mother would pull my hair and knock my glasses off of my face in the process, but at least she never ripped the hair out of my head. The glasses thing was yet another harmful thing that could come from interactions between a person and someone else’s hair, though.)

    I think this is what helps make it feel so good when hair-touching is going right. When the level of trust between two people is strong enough that you know the other would never intentionally hurt you. When you can have fun together playing with this sensitive “body part” that can break/rip/hurt your scalp/etc if someone is too rough, but where you know that won’t happen because of a mutual respect two acquaintances have for one another. Even when it’s just someone paid in a salon to touch your hair, it can still feel intimate in that way partially because you know this salon worker has that amount of power and technically could hurt you or hurt your hair if they’re not careful, even cutting too much off or something would be a violation, but the risk is partially exciting, and so is getting to know this person over time if you’re a regular customer and developing some kind of trusting relationship with them. I don’t know. Maybe I’m taking this too far. 😛

    • No, I do not think you are taking this too far. And I never thought about how the potential for pain affects hairplay, but it makes sense that the possibility of pain/hurt and thus the need for trust deepens the experience and the relationship.

      • Thanks. I’m glad you don’t think I’m taking this too far. 😉

        Um… btw I totally messed up when I said, “You can feel comfortable if someone is touching your hair without your permission.” near the beginning of my original comment. I meant UNcomfortable. You can feel uncomfortable if that happens, not comfortable. Whoops. Lol.

        I did that earlier today with my own new blog post, writing “romantic” somewhere when I actually meant “non-romantic” and having to edit my post after-the-fact to add the very relevant prefix. I keep making these ridiculously glaring errors and idk why, lmao!

      • I thought back of this comment thread today while reading this:
        View at

        And the comments that talk about haircuts…

        And the trust involved in letting someone else light your cigarette that they won’t burn you…

        I was getting annoyed that the headline was intimacy and then she just spends the whole beginning of the article talking about what is sexy, implying intimacy is only sexiness. But then the comments are talking about even those beginning sexy things mentioned aren’t even a sexual intimacy? Idk it’s. It’s an interesting article to read from an ace perspective, at least. And she explicitly talks about how intimacy from the middle seat of an airplane isn’t a sexual intimacy, at least.

        I just wanted to come back Rio this memorable post of yours for some reason.

      • Thanks for the link (though I found the conflation of intimacy and sexiness just as annoying as you do).

        And it is good to know that you still find this old post relevant.

  5. “How am I supposed to go about finding somebody to play with my hair? If I were still in California, I would probably put an ad on Craigslist, but I’m not in California.”

    “I wish there were a local hair-playing community where people who love to play with hair could find people who love having their hair played with.”


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