My looks are wasted on an ace like me.
That is an awful thought. I need to stop having it.
I am physically prettier than the average person, I’m even prettier than the average woman in her 20s. While I can think of instances when people said my clothes were ugly, I cannot think of a single time in my life when anybody said that I was ugly, or even suggested such a thing. On the other hand, I am used to getting comments about my beauty in a variety of contexts and from people with different cultural backgrounds. That is not a point of pride – I did not try to be physically pretty, it just happened, and I take no credit for it.
In a way, I wish people would stop commenting about my looks, even though they are generally positive. While I much prefer getting comments about how beautiful I look than comments about how ugly I look, it reminds me that people are judging me based on my looks. And I know that I am not going to be conventionally pretty forever – either I’m going to die young, or I’m going to become an old woman. I do not think I would get so many ‘flattering’ comments as an old woman.
When I think ‘my looks are wasted on an ace like me’ what I mean is that it’s a pity that someone like me is sexually unavailable to others, and it would be better if my pretty looks had been graced on a sexual person, leaving me looking more homely. This thought is awful because people are not actually entitled to having sexual access to me. Let me repeat, PEOPLE ARE NOT ENTITLED TO HAVING SEXUAL ACCESS TO ME! I need that thought branded on my mind with a hot iron.
I have this awful thought because the idea that women exist to be pretty and make men happy is still, even to this day, deeply imprinted in the psyche of our patriarchal society. It makes me feel like I am some stingy person who is hoarding all of the prettiness for myself. Well, so what if I’m pretty? That’s irrelevant. People need to question and broaden their ideas about beauty anyway. My accidental beauty doesn’t mean that people are any more entitled to access to me than if I weren’t pretty.
Awful thought, begone. Thou art hereby banished.