The Only Time I Felt This Way

I was fourteen years old. There was a girl at my high school, who I will henceforth refer to as ‘D’. I got really sweet on D. I was not interested in friendship with her. I also was not interested in sex with her. At least, my feelings didn’t feel sexual, but as an ace, it can be hard to tell sometimes what is sexual and what is not. I did however want her around me. I wanted to hug and snuggle with her.

Of course, I didn’t express this to D. I did not know how to explain to her that I wanted to be her snuggle-buddy, so I did not try. I didn’t even go out of my way to be around her because I did not want to be a creep. But I was happy when she just happened to be in the vicinity.

And then there was that one time.

It must have been right after class got out. I was talking to D, exchanging typical high school chit-chat with her. And suddenly … I had a powerful urge to kiss her. On the lips.

Of course, I did not carry through with it. While I could not read D’s mind, I figured the chances that she would be interested in kissing me back were really slim.

However, I thought about it the entire bus ride home. I was, of course, wondering if I was lesbian or bi. Even at the age of fourteen, I think I suspected deep down I might be what I now call ‘asexual’, but I figured that it was only a matter of time before I became romantic/sexual to an average level. I thought that, even though that was the first time I ever felt like kissing someone on the lips, it probably would not be the last time.

It is, however, still the last time I felt like kissing someone on the lips, and that was almost ten years ago. If I had felt that way a few times, either towards D herself or other girls, I would consider my self to be lesbian or at least romantically attracted to girls. But since it never happened again, it seems to be a fluke, not a pattern.

At this point, I suspect it will never happen again. Though if I ever feel that way again about someone, that’s okay. I am grateful that it happened, because to me it is a literally unique experience.