Part of the ace-spectrum experience is fearing losing peer relationships to their romantic-sexual relationships. Sometimes these fears come true.
I love the idea of having intense, deep, intimate friendships. However, most of the time, when I’ve tried to take friendship beyond a certain level, I have been disappointed, or worse, hurt. There have been exceptions, but I’ve been hurt enough times that I don’t trust friendship to deliver the level of connection to others that I yearn for. At this point, I have only one friendship which I would call ‘deep’ (and I am so, so, so grateful to have at least one), but due to circumstances in both of our lives, it’s really hard to find time together. If I get a set of beautiful, deep friendships, that would be wonderful, but at this point I am considering the possibility that I may very well live without that.
Not that I want all of my friendships to be deep – in fact, I am grateful for shallow friendships too, and friendships in-between.
However, in my life, friendship has usually not been something I can count on. What I have been able to count on are relationships with biological family (or biological-once-removed, including but not limited to in-law relationships).
My relationships with my family are secure enough that, regardless of whatever new relationships my relatives form (romantic, sexual, etc), I don’t feel the slightest fear that it will weaken our relationship, in fact, it never has weakened our relationship. However, I have found out so many times that a friend had not valued the friendship as much as I had *just* when I actually needed a friend. Therefore, I do not feel the same security in my friendships. This insecurity is why I have gotten jealous over friends making new friends, even if no romantic or sexual bond is in the picture.
That’s not to say that I haven’t been hurt by my relationships with relatives – in fact, I have been hurt a great deal in relationships with relatives. However, when the relationship breaks down, the relationship usually gets repaired.
When a friendship breaks down, that is it. I have never repaired a broken friendship. Perhaps that is a reflection of how both of us – them, me – feel that friendships are not worth repairing.
What would you trust – a bridge which has people ready to repair it if necessary, or a bridge which nobody would bother repairing?
As an asexual-aromantic who prefers celibacy, I have written off relying on romantic-sexual relationships for close, intimate companionship. And I don’t feel secure in friendship. That leaves me with the set of relationships which have, time and time again, proven most reliable in my lifetime – my biological and biological-once-removed family.
This is why the very low rate of new people entering my family scares me.
To the extent possible under law,
the person who associated CC0
with this work has waived all copyright and related or neighboring
rights to this work.
The Notes Which Do Not Fit 
Pingback: Linkspam: April 19th, 2013 | The Asexual Agenda
Pingback: Commitment, Family, and Friendship | The Notes Which Do Not Fit
“However, I have found out so many times that a friend had not valued the friendship as much as I had *just* when I actually needed a friend.”
Happened with me too, many times. Very disappointing.
Indeed.
“When a friendship breaks down, that is it. I have never repaired a broken friendship. Perhaps that is a reflection of how both of us – them, me – feel that friendships are not worth repairing.”
When friendships failed dramatically to me, I though, ‘well, there are some hundreds more of people on my city, and billions more of people in the world, I can just find a better friend, I think’.
I can understand that line of thinking.
It’s clear that you’ve been binging on my blog archive. I am honored that you have found it worth your time to read so many of my old posts!