The Unassailable Heterosexual

This is for the August 2014 Carnival of Aces.


Sara the anti-heterosexual bigot firmly believes that anyone who claims to be heterosexual but does not fit every single one of the below criteria is lying!


– Heterosexuals must be neurotypical. If they are not (for example, if they are autistic) they are clearly confused about their sexuality, and not in fact het.
– Heterosexuals must be healthy and abled. If they are not, then that means that their health problems/disability are the cause of their confused sexuality (come on, being attracted to people of a different gender is pretty darn confused) and they are not actually heterosexual.
– Heterosexuals must not have mental health issues, because if they do it is obviously a mental illness thing and not Real Heterosexuality
– Heterosexuals must be cisgendered, since it is impossible for non-cis people to be real heterosexuals (NOTE: unfortunately, this actually reflects how some transphobic people think)
– Heterosexuals must be attracted to all people of a different binary gender, because if they meet someone of a different binary gender and are not attracted, they cannot really be heterosexual
– Heterosexuals must be between the age of 20 and 40, since teenagers cannot understand their own sexuality, and people over the age of 40 do not have sexuality and thus cannot be heterosexual
– Heterosexuals must be sex-positive, since it is wrong to be heterosexual and sex-negative or anything other than sex-positive. And if they ever say anything bad about sex, that means they are not real heterosexuals.
– Heterosexuals cannot masturbate, because if they do, that means they are really autosexual, not heterosexual!
– Heterosexuals cannot have a history of abuse. If they do, then they are not really heterosexual, their apparently heterosexual feelings were caused by the abuse!
– Heterosexuals need to be interested in dating and romance, because if not, they cannot be real heterosexuals

In response to Sara’s anti-heterosexual bigotry, heterosexual-visibility activists often downplay or hide aspects of themselves which did not fit the above criteria, and heterosexuals feel that if they do not fit the criteria, they might not really be heterosexual, or at least they should not try to be visible heterosexuals since they would make heterosexuality ‘look bad’.


The heterosexuals/heterosexual activists let Sara the anti-hterosexual bigot manipulate them … hmmm.

Yeah, this parody is a combination of the Unassailable Asexual/Ideal Asexual concept and the Heterosexual Questionnaire.

I decided to make this parody about heterosexuals rather than about allosexuals since there are a lot more people who consciously identify with the ‘heterosexual’ label. But I had to put that special note about the cisgender/transgender part, since even trans people who are heterosexual get their sexual orientation invalidated. As Hezekiah points out, allosexual trans people do not have any privilege relative to asexual trans people.

I think this parody highlights the usefulness of intersectional analysis, since many of the ways people try to invalidate asexuality is tied to other kinds of prejudice (ableism, for example).

I know a heck of a lot of heterosexual people, and I do not think a single one completely fits the criteria for the Unassailable Heterosexual.

And I do not know any asexuals who are the Unassailable Asexual (I have some “unassailable” traits, but I also have ‘assailable’ traits). So, if heterosexuals cannot be expected to be the Unassailable Heterosexual, then asexuals cannot be expected to be the Unassailable Asexual either.


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