Ever since I left San Francisco, and particularly after I moved to Taoyuan, I have been living a relatively solitary life. That is not to say I lack contact with other people – I have been meeting way more people than when I was living in San Francisco – but very few of these relationships have gone much below a surface level, and none of them have the depth of some of the personal relationships I have in California.
It is not my ideal state, as I have mentioned in “Alone at Home”. I would rather have a denser set of deeper personal relationships, and this is one of the reasons I am planning to return to the USA.
But it is not a terrible existence. I have experienced a lot of happiness during these years of solitude.
And now I know I can lead a solitary life. I want to try to get a different kind of life, but if it does not work out, I know that solitary lifestyle does not have to be bad. And I might stay in a solitary lifestyle due to circumstances beyond my control.
The limitations on aces finding close relationships mean that it is quite possible that I will not form the close, long-lasting connections I would like to have. I do not want to be too specific about what I am looking for because a) I am not completely sure what I really need and b) I might make a great connection from a corner which totally surprises me, so I want to stay open-minded. At the same time, I also need some boundaries – I do not want to get into the trap of ‘I must stay in this relationship which makes me unhappy because this person might be The Only One’.
I know many people struggle to stay in close relationships which are not working out because they are afraid of solitary life, or because the status of being in a couple feels very important to them, or because there fear they will never find another person to love them again. If I were to ever risk getting into such a trap, I know that I have the solitary lifestyle as a floor. If being in close relationships makes me less happy than I was living on my own, I can withdraw again (assuming there is no dependency, such as having to care for another, or myself needing care).
And even if I do get into more long-lasting, close relationships, the fact that I know I do not absolutely need the relationships will make me more secure. My choice to stay in the relationships will be based on respect and love, not a desperate need to avoid solitude.
This post was written months before publication, incidently ace muslim recently wrote about solitary life as well.
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